Sign Language: Aries is finally the belle of the ball

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You won’t know you’ve been meandering along the scenic route to your destination until you step off of it, onto a faster path. This involves a bit of rethinking: What exactly are your goals? What are you willing to do to achieve them? Luckily, this is a good week for asking and answering those types of questions. If you apply yourself diligently, you could cut hours, days, or even years from your quest—leaving yourself … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Geminis Should Be Careful Crossing The Street

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Pay attention to the little things. This week will be rife with subtle, significant changes, but unless you’re prepared to notice them, they’ll pass you right by. If you’re waiting for big, explosive action and dramatic twists of fate, you’ll feel like nothing at all happened this week. But if you start observing all the minute differences that will suddenly manifest, you’ll be in a position to appreciate (and take … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Libras are weird because they’re so normal

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I’m too bored to write you a proper horoscope this week. You’re just too damn normal. Your scales are so in synch that there’s nothing for people to latch onto. Where are the extremes, the flaws, the fascinating neuroses and idiosyncrasies? You know what I’m getting at, don’t you? You and I both know that you’re not perfect, despite the faultless veneer you’ve managed to throw up between the real you and the world. … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Libras need to listen more to Mary Poppins

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Let Mary Poppins advise: “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find that fun and snap! The job’s a game!” When it comes to work, your scales are way out of whack. You either work too hard (and are consequently miserable) or play too much (to escape the drudgery of your job). Balance that scale: You need to find something you really and truly enjoy about your job. If you can’t, for goodness’ sake … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Capricorns must control their monkey minds

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive need to clean up messes whenever they reveal themselves, no matter how hard this is or how long it takes. This works fine when you’re hooked up with another Virgo, but rarely do other signs have the stamina for near-rabid emotional tidiness. Most … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Sagittarians Should Just Accept Their Bad Tattoos

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re not eligible for sainthood until after you’re dead, so chill. Your empathy is dangerous right now. Because of the things you’re involved in, you’re brought into close proximity with people whose lives are profoundly different from yours. These intoxicating glimpses into diverse and exotic lifestyles can be especially compelling at the moment, but they’re just glimpses. Don’t let them sidetrack you. Sometimes … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Because Virgos Matter, Too

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) No one realizes, least of all you, that you’re the most popular sign in the zodiac. Along with everyone else, you probably haven’t noticed just how many people you’re important to (and how many are important to you). Showy Leos may get more attention; Libras have bigger networks. You, however, have the highest-quality relationships—connections that actually mean something to both parties. Despite that, you may feel … [Read more...]

Sign Language: It’s Time For Sagittarians To Hang With Crack Whores

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re the host(ess) with the most(est), or you ought to be, this week. Don’t even think about leaving your house, except to dash out to pick up more vegetarian pigs-in-a-blanket, a DJ, or bags of ice for the fabulous cocktails you’re whipping up for your guests. Folks are queuing up outside, waiting to partake of your cuisine, bar, wit, and hospitality, and chances are you’re eager to give it to them. It’s more or … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Aquarians Should Shut Up

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Self-promote this week. Usually you’re too shy, humble, or diplomatic to engage in this kind of behavior, but sometimes it’s the only way to let people know what you’re about and what you can do. This isn’t about selling yourself or convincing anyone of anything–notions you find repugnant. It’s just about clueing people in to what you’re capable of, in case they might be interested. Once you’ve gently lobbed this ball … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Consider this excerpt from Shockheaded Peter, a cautionary children’s book, as sung by the Tiger Lillies: “Fidgety fidgety fidgety Phil….he won’t sit still…he rocks backwards and forwards on his chair... Mama’s getting very cross. See the moody, restless child! He wraps the tablecloth and then down upon the ground he falls, with knives, plates, forks, spoons and all… Where is Philip? Where is he? Oh there he is! And he … [Read more...]