Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Here's this week's horoscope, which is pretty good for everyone, except you Cancers. You'll see why... Taurus (April 20-May 20) I’m worried about you, Taurus. In recent months, you’ve really come into or remembered the sources and applications of your great strength, and developed a positive feedback loop of confidence. Although you’re not necessarily in danger, I’m here to warn you, anyway—the kinds of problems that are most likely to … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Dear friend: You have been selected from millions of possible candidates to participate in The Game. From the moment you put down this paper, you must understand that every aspect of your reality has been carefully crafted to teach you to be a better person. Each event will be carefully monitored. Your evolution is in your own hands, and since this is an accelerated, immersive course, please expect to be challenged at … [Read more...]

Your Special MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Don’t phone it in this week, no matter how tempted or lazy you are. Form-letters, even well-crafted ones, can hardly accomplish your aims. I mean, who are you kidding? That kind of thing will just work against you. You probably feel as if you deserve some pampering during the tail end of your birthday season, and you do—but you can’t have it, yet; I recommend postponing it for two more weeks. Right now you have to put … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Hey, Squirt. You poor thing; you’re likely to have people talking down to you all week. If you’re not fully cognizant of what’s going on, you’re in serious danger of acting like the baby you’re being addressed as. However, the best way to show up all those condescending losers you’re forced to deal with isn’t calling them on it; you’re too likely in that case to sound like a petulant child. Your ideal recourse is … [Read more...]

This Week, Aries Shouldn’t Bother Making Birthday Wishes

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Leave your birthday candles lit. Don’t blow them out, and don’t make a birthday wish. Sure, it would come true, but in the worst possible way, like a wish made on a monkey’s paw. Save yourself from the ill-fated miscarriage of your heartfelt desire. Hang onto all those well-earned yearnings until next week, when the universe is more likely to manifest your dream without tragedy. So if you happen to have a party this … [Read more...]

Your Maui Horoscope

signs

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Glam rock is your calling, or something like it. Think about it, back when glam rock was new these guys were playing with sexual stereotypes, donning makeup, hairspray, and cross-gender clothing to be both rebellious and entertaining. Pisceans excel at blending seemingly incongruous worlds—so much so that if you’re not busy juxtaposing extremes, you may feel a bit trapped and underappreciated. This is one of your … [Read more...]

Pisces Needs To Stop Teasing Fat People

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Those who live in candy houses shouldn’t tease fat people. From my vantage point you’re perched in a gingerbread tower snidely throwing hard candies at a horde of insatiable gluttons. Are you crazy? Chumming the waters just before you jump in is probably not the best idea, and since these sharks have the power to drag you in against your will, it’s an especially bad call. Quit before it’s too late, Pisces. It’s still … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Aries People Need To Start Busting Down Emotional Barriers

signs

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I wish you could subject pieces of your soul to physical treatments this week. For instance, your pride really needs a good ironing; recent events have left it wrinkled and unwearable—and you deserve better than that. Your general outlook, stained as it is with cynicism and gloom (also triggered by certain experiences of late), could use a good spin through the washing machine. A good scrub and an infusion of some … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Watch The Fly, because it’s a perfect example of how a tiny inconsistency, imperfection, or error can blow up into a huge catastrophe this week. Disaster is wholly avoidable—but will require extra effort, care, and attention. On the flip side, while you’re diligently sitting on every molehill to keep it from swelling into a mountain, you can take advantage of the magnifying tendency of this week’s cosmic … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Mission accomplished. Sometimes good things happen that way, like this week, when your best successes will occur almost totally by chance. If only all accidents were this happy. Don’t kick yourself for not thinking of the brilliance you stumbled on. You manifested your serendipitous circumstance somehow, if only subconsciously, and you deserve it. There’s plenty of time to plot a host of genius coups later. For now, … [Read more...]