Sign Language: Virgos Will Be Able To See In Infrared This Week

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Each astrological sign is a sort of reaction to the one preceding it. Thus, in many ways, they’re like opposites. But because they’ve just been there, each tribe has a pretty good understanding of the one before theirs on that good old cosmic wheel. This is why your chief allies can be found among the Sagittarian tribe this week; they thoroughly understand what you’re up to, and they approve–for once. Although your … [Read more...]

Sign Language: It’s time for Capricorns to learn pole dancing

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I was poised to type your horoscope when a falling yellow leaf blew in the open window and landed under my fingers on the keyboard, prompting me to rethink exactly how I was going to word this week’s fortune. I’d envisioned something vague and gooey, like, “go with the flow,” but, given the intervention of autumn, I’ve rethought that intention. “The flow” is, apparently, more concrete than a feeling at the moment. … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Aries is finally the belle of the ball

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22 You won’t know you’ve been meandering along the scenic route to your destination until you step off of it, onto a faster path. This involves a bit of rethinking: What exactly are your goals? What are you willing to do to achieve them? Luckily, this is a good week for asking and answering those types of questions. If you apply yourself diligently, you could cut hours, days, or even years from your quest—leaving yourself … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Geminis Should Be Careful Crossing The Street

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Pay attention to the little things. This week will be rife with subtle, significant changes, but unless you’re prepared to notice them, they’ll pass you right by. If you’re waiting for big, explosive action and dramatic twists of fate, you’ll feel like nothing at all happened this week. But if you start observing all the minute differences that will suddenly manifest, you’ll be in a position to appreciate (and take … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Libras are weird because they’re so normal

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I’m too bored to write you a proper horoscope this week. You’re just too damn normal. Your scales are so in synch that there’s nothing for people to latch onto. Where are the extremes, the flaws, the fascinating neuroses and idiosyncrasies? You know what I’m getting at, don’t you? You and I both know that you’re not perfect, despite the faultless veneer you’ve managed to throw up between the real you and the world. … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Libras need to listen more to Mary Poppins

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Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Let Mary Poppins advise: “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find that fun and snap! The job’s a game!” When it comes to work, your scales are way out of whack. You either work too hard (and are consequently miserable) or play too much (to escape the drudgery of your job). Balance that scale: You need to find something you really and truly enjoy about your job. If you can’t, for goodness’ sake … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Capricorns must control their monkey minds

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive need to clean up messes whenever they reveal themselves, no matter how hard this is or how long it takes. This works fine when you’re hooked up with another Virgo, but rarely do other signs have the stamina for near-rabid emotional tidiness. Most … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Sagittarians Should Just Accept Their Bad Tattoos

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re not eligible for sainthood until after you’re dead, so chill. Your empathy is dangerous right now. Because of the things you’re involved in, you’re brought into close proximity with people whose lives are profoundly different from yours. These intoxicating glimpses into diverse and exotic lifestyles can be especially compelling at the moment, but they’re just glimpses. Don’t let them sidetrack you. Sometimes … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Because Virgos Matter, Too

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) No one realizes, least of all you, that you’re the most popular sign in the zodiac. Along with everyone else, you probably haven’t noticed just how many people you’re important to (and how many are important to you). Showy Leos may get more attention; Libras have bigger networks. You, however, have the highest-quality relationships—connections that actually mean something to both parties. Despite that, you may feel … [Read more...]

Sign Language: It’s Time For Sagittarians To Hang With Crack Whores

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re the host(ess) with the most(est), or you ought to be, this week. Don’t even think about leaving your house, except to dash out to pick up more vegetarian pigs-in-a-blanket, a DJ, or bags of ice for the fabulous cocktails you’re whipping up for your guests. Folks are queuing up outside, waiting to partake of your cuisine, bar, wit, and hospitality, and chances are you’re eager to give it to them. It’s more or … [Read more...]