Sign Language: Capricorns must control their monkey minds

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive need to clean up messes whenever they reveal themselves, no matter how hard this is or how long it takes. This works fine when you’re hooked up with another Virgo, but rarely do other signs have the stamina for near-rabid emotional tidiness. Most … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Sagittarians Should Just Accept Their Bad Tattoos

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re not eligible for sainthood until after you’re dead, so chill. Your empathy is dangerous right now. Because of the things you’re involved in, you’re brought into close proximity with people whose lives are profoundly different from yours. These intoxicating glimpses into diverse and exotic lifestyles can be especially compelling at the moment, but they’re just glimpses. Don’t let them sidetrack you. Sometimes … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Because Virgos Matter, Too

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) No one realizes, least of all you, that you’re the most popular sign in the zodiac. Along with everyone else, you probably haven’t noticed just how many people you’re important to (and how many are important to you). Showy Leos may get more attention; Libras have bigger networks. You, however, have the highest-quality relationships—connections that actually mean something to both parties. Despite that, you may feel … [Read more...]

Sign Language: It’s Time For Sagittarians To Hang With Crack Whores

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re the host(ess) with the most(est), or you ought to be, this week. Don’t even think about leaving your house, except to dash out to pick up more vegetarian pigs-in-a-blanket, a DJ, or bags of ice for the fabulous cocktails you’re whipping up for your guests. Folks are queuing up outside, waiting to partake of your cuisine, bar, wit, and hospitality, and chances are you’re eager to give it to them. It’s more or … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Aquarians Should Shut Up

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Self-promote this week. Usually you’re too shy, humble, or diplomatic to engage in this kind of behavior, but sometimes it’s the only way to let people know what you’re about and what you can do. This isn’t about selling yourself or convincing anyone of anything–notions you find repugnant. It’s just about clueing people in to what you’re capable of, in case they might be interested. Once you’ve gently lobbed this ball … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Consider this excerpt from Shockheaded Peter, a cautionary children’s book, as sung by the Tiger Lillies: “Fidgety fidgety fidgety Phil….he won’t sit still…he rocks backwards and forwards on his chair... Mama’s getting very cross. See the moody, restless child! He wraps the tablecloth and then down upon the ground he falls, with knives, plates, forks, spoons and all… Where is Philip? Where is he? Oh there he is! And he … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) This week is going to suck. Not because anything bad will happen, per se. Quite the opposite; some very sweet things are likely to head your way. It’ll suck, rather, because the glare of the spotlight has already begun to seem too intense; you’re blistering under all this adoring attention–which lately resembles obsessive scrutiny–and there’s no escaping it, at least until the Sun travels into Virgo next week. Until that … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Don’t get lazy on me now. Lately you’ve been living your life in broad strokes, and sort of glossing over the details, or pretending to postpone them ‘til later. That’s lame. Some of the details are boring, it’s true—but some of them are actually the most interesting parts of what you’re up to. You think you’re being succinct, even pithy, but in actuality, you’re just being vague. There are worlds of difference between … [Read more...]

Your Super Accurate MauiTime Horoscope!

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) No matter what happens, you seem to retain an enviable sense of humor, and a consequent ability to have fun. Even when dark and heavy shit goes down, you manage to see the funny side of it, or at least maintain your faith that there is a funny side that will eventuallyappear. Most of the rest of us have a hard time maintaining that ability to smile in the face of tragedy, despair or existential ennui. This week, look … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

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Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Whoa. I’m getting a tan just standing next to you. Putting out this much shine must really be straining the fusion reaction that is your heart. However, don’t shut it down. Those who can’t take the glow, the UV radiation, or the heat may back off for a bit (unconsciously spreading your notoriety even further) but trying to flip on the dimmer switch is like trying to stop a sneeze—definitely not a good idea. Keep on … [Read more...]