Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Dear friend: You have been selected from millions of possible candidates to participate in The Game. From the moment you put down this paper, you must understand that every aspect of your reality has been carefully crafted to teach you to be a better person. Each event will be carefully monitored. Your evolution is in your own hands, and since this is an accelerated, immersive course, please expect to be challenged at … [Read more...]

Your Special MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Don’t phone it in this week, no matter how tempted or lazy you are. Form-letters, even well-crafted ones, can hardly accomplish your aims. I mean, who are you kidding? That kind of thing will just work against you. You probably feel as if you deserve some pampering during the tail end of your birthday season, and you do—but you can’t have it, yet; I recommend postponing it for two more weeks. Right now you have to put … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Hey, Squirt. You poor thing; you’re likely to have people talking down to you all week. If you’re not fully cognizant of what’s going on, you’re in serious danger of acting like the baby you’re being addressed as. However, the best way to show up all those condescending losers you’re forced to deal with isn’t calling them on it; you’re too likely in that case to sound like a petulant child. Your ideal recourse is … [Read more...]

This Week, Aries Shouldn’t Bother Making Birthday Wishes

signs

Aries (March 21-April 19) Leave your birthday candles lit. Don’t blow them out, and don’t make a birthday wish. Sure, it would come true, but in the worst possible way, like a wish made on a monkey’s paw. Save yourself from the ill-fated miscarriage of your heartfelt desire. Hang onto all those well-earned yearnings until next week, when the universe is more likely to manifest your dream without tragedy. So if you happen to have a party this … [Read more...]

Your Maui Horoscope

signs

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Glam rock is your calling, or something like it. Think about it, back when glam rock was new these guys were playing with sexual stereotypes, donning makeup, hairspray, and cross-gender clothing to be both rebellious and entertaining. Pisceans excel at blending seemingly incongruous worlds—so much so that if you’re not busy juxtaposing extremes, you may feel a bit trapped and underappreciated. This is one of your … [Read more...]

Pisces Needs To Stop Teasing Fat People

signs

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Those who live in candy houses shouldn’t tease fat people. From my vantage point you’re perched in a gingerbread tower snidely throwing hard candies at a horde of insatiable gluttons. Are you crazy? Chumming the waters just before you jump in is probably not the best idea, and since these sharks have the power to drag you in against your will, it’s an especially bad call. Quit before it’s too late, Pisces. It’s still … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Aries People Need To Start Busting Down Emotional Barriers

signs

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I wish you could subject pieces of your soul to physical treatments this week. For instance, your pride really needs a good ironing; recent events have left it wrinkled and unwearable—and you deserve better than that. Your general outlook, stained as it is with cynicism and gloom (also triggered by certain experiences of late), could use a good spin through the washing machine. A good scrub and an infusion of some … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Mission accomplished. Sometimes good things happen that way, like this week, when your best successes will occur almost totally by chance. If only all accidents were this happy. Don’t kick yourself for not thinking of the brilliance you stumbled on. You manifested your serendipitous circumstance somehow, if only subconsciously, and you deserve it. There’s plenty of time to plot a host of genius coups later. For now, … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) For someone as gregarious, social, and outgoing as you are, your birthday season often passes without an appropriate amount of kerfuffle. It’s because even though you have no problem getting people’s attention, you’re rarely motivated to do so for your own selfish interests. This week, consider just calling for the spotlight because you could shine there, and no other reason. Let people give you some of the praise … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Your Special MauiTime Horoscope

signs

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) There’s no excuse to sit on the couch eating bonbons, Aquarius—at least not this week. With the Sun’s nuclear force fueling you, communicating your ideas in a way that inspires yourself and others to actually do something about them has rarely been simpler. You will inspire almost without trying—but you do have to try. Don’t waste your motivational might—especially since your message is so relevant to so many in your … [Read more...]