Sign Language: Capricorns must control their monkey minds

signs_web

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Virgos like things clean, especially things that are (unfortunately) prone to be messy, like relationships. Many a Virgo has killed her intimate connections with a compulsive need to clean up messes whenever they reveal themselves, no matter how hard this is or how long it takes. This works fine when you’re hooked up with another Virgo, but rarely do other signs have the stamina for near-rabid emotional tidiness. Most … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Sagittarians Should Just Accept Their Bad Tattoos

signs_web

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re not eligible for sainthood until after you’re dead, so chill. Your empathy is dangerous right now. Because of the things you’re involved in, you’re brought into close proximity with people whose lives are profoundly different from yours. These intoxicating glimpses into diverse and exotic lifestyles can be especially compelling at the moment, but they’re just glimpses. Don’t let them sidetrack you. Sometimes … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Because Virgos Matter, Too

signs_web

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) No one realizes, least of all you, that you’re the most popular sign in the zodiac. Along with everyone else, you probably haven’t noticed just how many people you’re important to (and how many are important to you). Showy Leos may get more attention; Libras have bigger networks. You, however, have the highest-quality relationships—connections that actually mean something to both parties. Despite that, you may feel … [Read more...]

Sign Language: It’s Time For Sagittarians To Hang With Crack Whores

signs_web

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You’re the host(ess) with the most(est), or you ought to be, this week. Don’t even think about leaving your house, except to dash out to pick up more vegetarian pigs-in-a-blanket, a DJ, or bags of ice for the fabulous cocktails you’re whipping up for your guests. Folks are queuing up outside, waiting to partake of your cuisine, bar, wit, and hospitality, and chances are you’re eager to give it to them. It’s more or … [Read more...]

Sign Language: Aquarians Should Shut Up

signs_web

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Self-promote this week. Usually you’re too shy, humble, or diplomatic to engage in this kind of behavior, but sometimes it’s the only way to let people know what you’re about and what you can do. This isn’t about selling yourself or convincing anyone of anything–notions you find repugnant. It’s just about clueing people in to what you’re capable of, in case they might be interested. Once you’ve gently lobbed this ball … [Read more...]

Your MauiTime Horoscope

signs_web

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Whoa. I’m getting a tan just standing next to you. Putting out this much shine must really be straining the fusion reaction that is your heart. However, don’t shut it down. Those who can’t take the glow, the UV radiation, or the heat may back off for a bit (unconsciously spreading your notoriety even further) but trying to flip on the dimmer switch is like trying to stop a sneeze—definitely not a good idea. Keep on … [Read more...]

Your Special MauiTime Horoscope

signs_web

Cancer (June 21-July 22) You often get the front seat to various minor soap operas, and let’s face it; you enjoy it. It can be fun to watch other people freak out, screw each other or screw each other over (or both), fall in and out of love, and generally be sloppy and eminently human. Be careful of this week’s newest drama, though. It’s the kind that can suck you right into it before you’ve even noticed; there’s no fourth wall in this … [Read more...]

Your Super Special MauiTime Horoscope

signs_web

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Make life easier on yourself. You’re just clinging to that irritating behavior out of stubbornness. You know that most of those you adore find that habit annoying, and—if truth be known—you’re not even all that attached to it anymore, yourself. You’ve just been holding on to it out of fear of appearing to capitulate to others’ demands or desires. That would be awful, to give people the impression that they had some … [Read more...]

Your Super Special Maui Horoscope

signs_web

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Things get tricky when you live in an economy of scarcity. Sharing—of anything; love, food, your bed—becomes nigh unto impossible when you believe there won’t be enough to satisfy your own needs, let alone others’. “Let them take care of themselves,” you think. “I’ve barely got enough for me.” Unfortunately, it’s that kind of attitude that begets true scarcity. Imagine your positions were reversed; you’d dearly wish … [Read more...]

Your Special Horoscope

signs_web

Cancer (June 21-July 22) At first, when parts of your world started running backwards, it was an awkward transition. How to resolve this clock with that one, running in reverse? (Forget arriving on time anywhere.) Lately, however, with enough of your world now turned on its head—at least 51 percent, to be exact—it’s all the shit that’s still running the old way that’s out of place. Your new reality is the dominant one, so stop trying to … [Read more...]